Still North

Logo
Menu
Contact Us Logo

The Psychology of Control in Leadership: Navigating the Balance

Introduction

Control is an inherent part of the human experience. It shapes how we navigate uncertainty, make decisions, and influence those around us. In leadership, control is both a tool and a trap, it provides structure and direction but can also stifle growth, innovation, and trust when taken to an extreme.

This article explores the psychology of control from a leadership perspective, including its origins, its role in human behavior, the illusion of control, and how to cultivate a healthy relationship with control.

What Is control?

Control, in its simplest form, is the desire to shape outcomes, influence events, and reduce uncertainty. In leadership, this often manifests as decision-making authority, structure, and the ability to set direction. However, control is not just about external influence, it is also deeply tied to our sense of self, security, and psychological well-being.

At its core, control is about predictability. We seek control because it helps us manage risk, reduce anxiety, and feel more competent in an unpredictable world.

Control and family of origin: The deep roots of our relationship with control

Our relationship with control doesn’t form in a vacuum, it’s deeply embedded in our earliest experiences. Family dynamics, childhood expectations, and even unspoken emotional undercurrents shape how we perceive control as adults, particularly in leadership.

While some people develop control tendencies from overly controlling parents, chaotic environments, or high expectations, others experience a different root cause that’s harder to pinpoint.

Here are some of the less obvious but powerful origins of control.

1. Emotional role in the family (the unseen influence)

From a young age, we unconsciously adopt roles in our family that shape how we interact with control. Consider:

  • The Responsible One: If you were the one who had to "hold it together" for others, you may have developed control as a coping mechanism. Control = Stability.
  • The Fixer: If you were the one resolving family conflicts or managing emotions, control may feel like the only way to prevent chaos.
  • The High Performer: If love or validation was tied to achievement, control may feel necessary to ensure success and avoid failure.
  • The Outsider: If you grew up feeling like you had no say in family decisions, control in adulthood can become a way to regain power over your environment.

Sometimes, our control tendencies are less about what was done to us and more about the role we unconsciously took on in response to our environment.

2. Control as a response to powerlessness

Many leaders with unhealthy control tendencies didn’t necessarily experience controlling parents but may have felt powerless in childhood in some way.

  • A lack of emotional safety (e.g., walking on eggshells around a volatile parent).
  • Unpredictability (e.g. sudden financial struggles, family health issues, or a parent’s changing moods).
  • Feeling unheard (e.g. never having your perspective considered in family decisions).
In these cases, controlling outcomes in adulthood becomes a way to reclaim power, a way of saying, “I won’t be at the mercy of uncertainty again.”

3. Control to avoid unpleasant emotions

One of the less obvious but deeply ingrained reasons for control is emotional avoidance.

  • If you grew up in an environment where big emotions weren’t welcome, control can become a way to keep emotions at bay.
  • If you were never taught how to sit with discomfort, you might unconsciously grasp for control to avoid feeling uncertainty, sadness or vulnerability.
  • If you associate losing control with emotional overwhelm, you might rigidly hold onto structure, order, or certainty to prevent those feelings from surfacing.
This is why moments of uncertainty or lack of control can feel disproportionately uncomfortable, they bring up emotions that haven’t been fully processed or tolerated before.

Ways to loosen an unhealthy grip on control

1. Notice the feeling before the behaviour

Next time you feel the need to control, pause and ask: What am I feeling right now? Anxiety? Fear? Frustration? Simply identifying the emotion underneath control can create distance between impulse and action.

2. Practice letting small things go

Choose one small thing per day to consciously release control over. It could be letting someone else plan a meeting or not correcting every detail. Observe what happens.

3. Create psychological safety for yourself

If control comes from fear of failure, build a safe-to-fail environment for yourself. Try something new, set a goal without obsessing over the outcome, and remind yourself that mistakes are data, not disasters.

4. Reframe your leadership role

Instead of seeing yourself as the one who must always be right or in charge, shift your mindset from leader to facilitator, someone who guides, supports, and enables others rather than controlling every detail.

5. Develop a relationship with uncertainty

Uncertainty isn’t the enemy of control, it’s a reality of leadership. Actively seek out moments of intentional discomfort, whether it’s delegating something important, sitting in silence before reacting, or saying, “I don’t know, what do you think?”

6. Regulate, don’t react

When triggered by a lack of control, engage in self-regulation strategies like deep breathing, movement, or journaling. Instead of reacting, give yourself time and space to process before acting.

7. Ask yourself: What’s the worst that could happen?

Often, our urge to control stems from catastrophising. Challenge yourself by listing the actual worst-case scenario. Often, it’s manageable, and realising this can help loosen the grip.

Conclusion: Leading with awareness, not control

Control isn’t inherently bad; it’s a natural leadership function. The key is
to understand its psychology and know when to hold on and when to let go. By shifting from controlling outcomes to influencing environments, leaders unlock greater effectiveness, stronger relationships, and long-term success.

Download Article PDF

Still Curious?

Sign up for our newsletter and get just the right amount of stimulating content to help you make waves in the right direction.

    Scroll to Top